My wife wanted to go see "Appaloosa" this evening, unfortunately we got to the theater after it started, and she decided we should see "Max Payne" instead. In case you're not familiar with the movies, "Appaloosa" is a based on a novel by Robert B. Parker (a writer I admire), "Max Payne" is based on a popular third person shooter game.
I'm going to sound like a real snob (maybe I am), but no apologies for this one. Max Payne is awful.
It's not universally awful. Beau Bridges as B.B. is good (at least until the climax when he has to spit out a lot of ludicrous lines), and I was pleasantly surprised by Ludacris as the Internal Affairs officer investigating Max.
Other good points...
1. I learned that no matter how gigantic your gun of preference is, it's fairly easy to conceal it on your person if you just wear a jacket.
2. I was impressed that Mark Wahlberg's character could shoot more accurately firing over his shoulder while falling backwards than any other character could shoot while standing up and aiming (even with a laser aiming device). I suspect that the character's amazing willpower (demonstrated by the fact that his face never changed expression) accounts for this.
3. The movie was one of the loudest I've seen in a long time. This is a useful feature, it helps the viewer to fend off occasional drowsiness.
4. Mila Kunis is a pretty actress. Even excessive makeup, a lack of intelligent dialogue, and the excessive flourishing of a ridiculously big gun failed to completely obscure this fact.
5. The visual effects were spectacular, and sometimes even clever.
6. The occasional references to Norse mythology were interesting, and hinted at greater depth. Unfortunately they were also inaccurate, and were ultimately red herrings.
The final lesson I learned is that I probably shouldn't watch movies, let alone review them, while I'm in a terrible mood. It's a good thing that tomorrow is another day.
("Tomorrow is another day!" That's a good line! Maybe they can put that in a movie someday. It'd work great right before the climactic gunfire, explosions, and helicopter crash!)